Your new owner of the Philadelphia 76ers: Christian Hetrick

New Sixers owner, Christan Hetrick

This post is completely satirical and is for humorous purposes only. John, Christian and Dan are all Philadelphia sports bloggers, writing for PHT and the Phillies affiliate “Team to Beat.”

Christian Hetrick: I’d like to announce that I have purchased the Sixers for the asking price of a large coffee and a dozen donuts from Dunkin Donuts. I’m very excited about buying the team. I have always wanted to own a semi-professional franchise.

John Russo, PHT: What type of donuts did you offer Ed Snyder?

CH: I originally offered boston creme, but he seemed to be bitter about the word Boston, I dont know why. So I changed the offer to six chocolate frosted and three plain, two vanilla and one jelly donut I found between the cushons of my couch. He glady accepted and gave me the team.

JR: There have been rumors of dealing Andre Iguodala. Do you see the team moving him?

CH: Definitely. Speaking of Dunkin Donuts, DD was interested in trading for him, but realistically I see us moving him to McDonalds. While I would like to be generous and send him somewhere nicer, I have to put the team’s interest over his interest. Everyone in the NBA knows he’s overrated, but Mickey D’s doesnt, so I think they would give us more in return than any NBA team.

McDonalds also would let us get breakfast AFTER 11 pm in exchange for Iggy. Everyone knows lazy Americans like myself do not wake up until 11:47, so having breakfast end at 11 isn’t fair. Being able to eat McMuffins after 11 is surely worth the asking price of Iggy.

JR: So who would replace him? I know you have a young prospect in your system that played a little ball at Penn State Abington.

CH: We would definitely give our own prospects such as Dan MacNeal a chance try out before looking elsewhere to find a replacement. He obviously played for a great program at Penn State Abington and we see him as our star of the future which is why we drafted him so high in the D League draft.

PSU Abbington F Dan MacNeal

CH: He has a lot of size so he is great in the paint. He is a rebound machine and can score from anywhere on the floor. I also hear he has a beard.

JR: Do you think his beard can compensate for the facial hair lost in the city when the Phillies dumped Jayson Werth?

CH: Thats a lot of facial hair. Werth’s beard had a great reputation in this city, but I think this city will fall in love with Mac’s angelic facial hair.

JR: The Sixers made a great second half run this past season and made the playoffs. What did you like from this team in that run that you would like to see this upcoming season?

CH: I liked that they competed with the top tier teams. I know they played tight games with the Heat and LA, and beat the Hawks, Magic and even the Bulls once. It’s good to see that we can almost compete for a championship.

JR: What players stood out to you the most?

CH: Evan Turner? Ever hear his voice? Scary.

JR: Did the Turner/Iguodala incident have an impact on the movement of Iggy?

CH: I didn’t want to move Iggy until I heard his quotes when asked about wanting to stay here, saying, “I plan playing in the NBA next season” when asked if he wants to be back with us really makes me want to move him to McDonalds.

JR: What type of player is McDonalds getting from Iguodala?

CH: A player who isn’t really that good, but says he is good at defense so everyone assumes he is. Maybe he won’t be good at flipping burgers, but he will say he is good at something else no one pays attention to like being the best at filling cups with fountain soda and by best I mean be on “the 2nd team” at fillling cups with soda.

JR: Alright, enough with the Sixers. Who do you pick to win the NBA Finals and who is your Finals MVP?

CH: The Heat. And I think with the Heat’s Big Three, it will only be appropriate for co MVP’s which is why my co MVP’s are Delante West and LeBron’s mom.

JR: At 19, what’s it like being the youngest owner of a professional sports team since 12-year-old Billy Heywood owned the 1994 Minnesota Twins?

CH: Feels good. People think because I am young, I am going to make immature decisons like move the team to Camden and call them the “Camden Grand Theft Autos.” That’s not the case. I only plan on having open tryouts in Camden. I think there is a lot of untapped potential there.

JR: If it comes down to it, would you be coaching the team if Doug Collins turns out to be smoke and mirrors?

CH: Yes. I have coaching experience as a head coach of an intramural basketball team. My team reached the playoffs last year, but lost in the first round, so I guess my team was just as successful as the sixers.

JR: Any last thoughts before I conclude this interview?

CH: I’m craving Dunkin Donuts.


One thought on “Your new owner of the Philadelphia 76ers: Christian Hetrick

  1. Im very proud of you! Im not at all surprised of your new venture, you were always good at everything you put your mind to. Goodluck with everything. love mom.

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